abstract painting by emily weil

daily painting | blitz

Well I kind of whistled through the Christmas graveyard these past couple of days. Today, much relief. I made it. Plenty of ghosts and zombies grabbed at my ankles, but I was stronger than they were.

I didn’t think it’d be easy, but now that Santa and his damn reindeer are in my rearview, I can let my shoulders down a little and appreciate the ways I bumbled through, at least for the most part. My heart is blooming with gratitude for warm phone calls and sweet gifts.

Winds are picking up outside my Rocky Mountain perch. Still unseasonably warm; visitors to RMNP are showing up hoping for snow (crap time for skiers; no white Chritsmas). Bunny’s morning zoomies and binkies are cracking me up. He’s not a cuddly lap-sitter but usually hangs out near me, sometimes chewing on my pajama bottoms. He loves having his nose scratched.

I’ve been working on this painting for weeks; have been spending more time writing than painting. But getting watercolors and pencils and ink out is healing and helps keep me in the light, even while grief and loneliness pull at me.

I am grateful for my life. It’s been a pretty intense classroom. I think my grades are OK though.

7″ x 7″ watercolor, ink, pastels, pencil, acrylic on paper = $479

 

 

 

abstract watercolor painting of poinsettia by emily weil

daily painting | postcard

Big gratitude list today! I made this small postcard as a thank you to a dear CA friend who sent me little hand-made cleats so I can put up a shelf in the bathroom. They are works of art in themselves and I am humbled and thankful for his talent and generosity.

I’m grateful for Sarah, the park ranger I volunteered with yesterday who let me pick her brain on a variety of topics. She educated me about the two beavers who have returned to RMNP thanks to a restoration project that restricts elk and moose from over-grazing, making it possible for beavers to return to a spot on the CO river where the willows they need are protected. For winter, they create a grid of intertwining willow branches, and the weight of this brilliant creation sinks to the river bottom, under the ice. The critters then pull out one branch at a time for meals. I will definitely go see if I can find it (I hear it is still visible). Snowshoes might be necessary.

After my volunteer duties yesterday (so thrilled to be back with the team!) I took a short walk and saw a large herd of elk on the hillside. Plenty of bugling. Magnificent. The calves seem to make a kind of squeaky sound (another question for the ranger).

Yesterday I bought a poop and track guide, Scats and Tracks of the Rocky Mountains. I’ll have it with me as the snow shows all kinds of evidence of little footprints and I’m excited to try and ID them. One ranger said she was startled one year to see how many mountain lion tracks were in the snow. They are everywhere. And almost never seen — except there was a story in the local newspaper about a group of five women who were mountain biking and one of the women was taken down by a mountain lion. The other women attacked the big cat, using a bicycle to pin it down until help came. Coloradans are tough.

I could go on and bore you to death but let me just add one more thing. The five-year anniversary of my first sister’s death is in two days. Kay often occupies my thoughts, as do my other two siblings who died. I am grateful she fought back the breast cancer and succeeded in keeping it at bay for 20 years, which meant she met and adored her grandchildren, took many trips, enjoyed her marriage, and finally, when the cancer took her out, I am thankful she no longer is in pain. Rest well, dear Kay. I feel you with me sometimes and I am glad. I love you.

I saw this on Instagram about losing a loved one: You may not have gotten to spend the rest of your life with them. But they got to spend the rest of their life with you.

4″ x 6″ watercolor, ink, pencil, acrylic on paper

 

 

 

watercolor of kitty by emily weil

daily painting | binou

Today I hold my heart with gentleness, and give thanks for this bubble of beauty I entered when I ran away to Colorado seven months ago. I intended to heal here. To create a space, with the help of nature, to grieve and mend and tenderly and compassionately make room to be who I need to be in this moment.

I feel broken, plenty. I’m OK with that. There are no norms or standards for how to grieve. Everyone does it in their own way. Mine, for now, is to have room to breathe. To hide from the sharp edges of the world as much as I can, so I can minister to my bent-sideways heart.

I can hear the critics in my head saying I’m lazy. I should be more productive. I’m selfish. Who do I think I am.

That’s OK too. I know I am meant to be here in the glory land of the Rockies.

Hard to even describe the magnetic pull I felt to come here. For years, after I’d been introduced to these mountains riding horses in Montana, I dreamed of coming to these spectacular peaks to stay a year to experience all four seasons.

Then all that death and grief and madness (mine, mostly) happened and sometime last Fall I realized that the time is now. I had to leave California. And it all lined up and worked out and here I am at 8400 feet and tonight I’ll go out there all bundled up where there are no streetlights and look for the meteorite shower, clouds-willing. Zowie.

I’m settling in. It takes time. I am adapting to how much space I have, and am starting to relax into it and not freak out although baking a cake at this altitude is pretty much out of the question (not that I bake much; tried to make myself a birthday cake and licking the spoon while making frosting was the most successful part of the venture).

Pain is a mysterious thing. But it makes sense, if I don’t think about it too much. It starts as a snowball and gathers strength and can turn into an avalanche if ignored. Today it’s a mix of childhood hurt and death shock and painful loss and confusion in trying to find my way. I have a good flashlight though. There’s enough light to keep moving forward. Except when I move backward, collapsing in a heap, which is part of all this too. I am grateful for the luxury to have this much room to flail around, then take a nap, followed by grabbing a box of Kleenex while I cry my eyes out, then let go of trying to understand everything, then wash the dishes and scratch the bunny’s nose. Rabbits are so, so soft.

[Binou is my dear friend Amy’s kitty]

7″ x 7″ watercolor, ink, pencil, acrylic on paper

 

 

 

abstract painting by emily weil

daily painting | paths

How simple is the path to a good life, we are told. But we humans are complicated and nuanced and influenced by many unseen hands. And ghosts.

Life is no straight line. We are sold a bill of goods — go to college, find a calling. Marry. Work. Have children. Contribute to the greater good.

But there are many variables in the light we follow. At times it’s a spotlight, a blinding, rising sun. Then it dims as if behind clouds. Subtly it can brighten, confusing us as it casts new shadows never seen before. Other times the sky is dark, with no light at all. No stars, even.

Then we turn on our headlights and hope for the best in thick fog.

Somewhere in our hearts is our own north star, which we have to discover on our own. For guidance. In many religious faiths we are taught — browbeaten, even — that we have evil natures. Mustn’t trust our own feet (better to be on our knees, bowing to control-hungry faith leaders).

It can take a lifetime to trust oneself. To find one’s honest self. Worth it, though. To feel confident and comfortable in one’s skin. To give up proving one’s value. To stand tall, back straight, walking into the wind.

[Wrote this the other night when I was in bed reading, got up to find a scrap of paper and a pen. Must keep a notebook on the night stand. Thought it matched this painting with shapes and paths. Bunny Cadbury sat at my feet as I worked at my art table.]

7″ x 7″ watercolor, ink, crayon, pencil on paper. = $75

 

 

 

abstract painting by emily weil

daily painting | fire

Today is a slog; another muddy swamp of grief I guess. Heartache, loss, family upsets. Guessing you are as sick of reading about it as I am of feeling it and writing about it.

So I’m jumping ahead.

I’m stoked over how many people are expected to show up for tomorrow’s protests. I forgot to order my “Is He Dead Yet?” shirt though (I try to avoid writing about politics but we are so over the cliff I’m ditching that protocol; we are in serious trouble). Love how the Orange Jesus is calling the protests anti-American ­— been here before when Reagan and Nixon said that those of us protesting the Viet Nam war were no-goodniks and we should cut our hair and get a job. But in fact we were the patriots. Which is how I feel now. We took to the streets. It’s important work, and nonviolent protest is absolutely essential right now. We make a difference. Rise up, people. My No-Kings placard is ready.

As a way to take care of myself this afternoon I went to my art table, now part of Cadbury’s room (my bunny), to set up paints to do a small abstract. I sat at the table, where Caddie loves to sit (it’s by a window). I had two plastic containers of clean water and as I arranged paints and paper Caddie jumped up to the work surface, looked at me, and with his paw knocked over one water. Then the other one. One didn’t quite empty so I set it upright and then he knocked it over again. Apparently he has claimed ownership of that perch.

I was laughing pretty hard. My little rascal. So I cleaned it up and started over. You gotta just keep going. I can paint and paint and paint and it’s good medicine. And while paint/ink was drying I made a dent in the laundry pile. And Cadbury relented, and sat at my feet under the table while I created.

Thank you for reading this my friends. When I hear from you it means a lot. I feel pretty raw sometimes posting these blurbs and I appreciate you taking a look at them.

7″ x 7″ watercolor, ink, crayon, pencil on paper. = $75

 

 

 

abstract painting by emily weil

daily painting | doodles

Yesterday I walked on a trail that was scattered with yellow Aspen leaves, as if the path was paved with gold coins. It was a gorgeous clear, cool day, and after a couple of days of chilly rain plenty of folks were on this trail, enjoying the October beauty of these high mountains — young men with their fishing poles, women on dirt bikes, families stretching their legs. I had to stop and read the sign that said there were moose in the area and to please keep your dogs on leashes; moose get upset at dogs for they smell an awful lot like wolves. Moose are not fond of wolves. And a moose can easily stomp on a human, or smoosh a dog. Would be unpleasant.

It was so soothing, walking along the lake, hearing the chickadees in the pines and the distant calls of bugling elk bucks. I seem to be going through another phase of letting go and grieving, and am allowing the sadness to wash through. I am not always sure the cause of the feelings, and mostly it’s best not to think about it too much. To let them just be, and eventually they move on. Unless they stick to me like burrs; in that case I’m doomed and might need a padded room, something I occasionally wonder about. But intense loss can make a person feel like they are losing their minds. And I did move here, after all, to create space to heal. And I am healing. I’m more whole. Grief can, if painfully, strip away a lot of dead wood.

There’s a wonderful Billie Holliday song, “Good Morning Heartache.” The [partial] last stanza is so apt:

Good morning heartache

You’re the one

Who knows me well

Might as well get used to you

Hanging around

Good morning heartache

Sit down

I love that she invites grief to have a cup of coffee with her. No resistance there, and boy do I want to resist. I want the sadness to go to the next house down the street, please. But it’s here, and it’s best to make friends with it. Wanting it to leave prolongs the discomfort.

So I let the Rocky Mountains hold me. I’ll go sit on the big boulder below my balcony and talk to Buster who is buried next to it (won’t be long before it will be covered with snow!). I miss him (and my rascally rabbit is doing great; he now has dominion over the entire extra bedroom and so far he hasn’t chewed up everything in sight, though he has nipped at my toes when I get in the way of his zoomies and I learned that when a bunny does that, if you let out a loud shriek or scream, it startles them enough to deter the behavior and so far it’s working). We may have a few more sunny days with temps in the 60s, and if so I’ll grab my camping chair and go up into the park and sit by the river and read. It’s been six months+ since I moved here and few days go by where I am not gob-smacked by the beauty here, and the wildlife. A tree full of Yellow-Rumped Warblers just graced me with their presence outside the window, cheering me with their cuteness and their little yellow-green chins.

And I hear there’s a good ice cream place by the lake. I will check it out. And I will just be. And practice self-compassion. And permit myself to heal, rest and write. I allow myself, god forbid, to let go of being “productive,” whatever “productive” means. Oh! And I just sold a small watercolor in the gift shop. Bonus.

[Had fun painting yesterday; did several small abstracts. Another way to self-soothe. And since Cadbury, my pet rabbit, now has the run of the room, he jumped up on the work table to say hello, bumping the water container, making me laugh and making a puddle in the painting, which dried nicely and added texture. He’s an adorable, mischievous, curious little guy. So soft. Loves having his nose scratched. I think rabbits’ noses twitch even when they are asleep.]

7″ x 7″ watercolor, ink, collage, acrylic on paper. = $75

 

 

 

watercolor of bunny by emily weil

daily painting | cadbury

My sweet little Buster, my guinea pig I brought with me from CA, died a few weeks ago. He completed his average life span (five years), and I was very sad to see him go. It was awful coming home to an empty house. He had the cutest little squeaks and purrs and there’s nothing more adorable than a guinea pig sneeze. Adjusting to his absence was tough. He was my furry little rodent companion.

I wasn’t planning on getting another animal, so I went to the local thrift store to see if they took pet stuff. I had Buster’s cage, toys and a bunch of dry food. They didn’t, they told me.

But inside the store was a flyer for a rescue bunny that needed a home.

Went home and thought about it. Then went to meet the rabbit, who belonged to a woman who had lots of rabbits (not to mention chinchillas), but this one was a rascal. He’d chosen a female there in that menagerie to protect and call his own, and he didn’t play nice with others (he has been spayed).

He was so soft. So beautiful, with a coat the color of milk chocolate.

Went home, thought about it some more. Then I went and picked him up and brought him home.

It’s kind of like an unplanned pregnancy.

I’ve put up a little pen for him. It has tall sides, for he can really jump. He’s doing well with litter box training, and we’re getting used to one another. I go into the little fenced area and sit with him and he hops around and is slowly coming up to nuzzle and let me pet him. He’s starting to trust me. And he loves the treats I had for Buster. Slowly I will expand his roaming territory.

Rabbits are prey animals. They have trust issues. It’s nothing like having a cat or dog or guinea pig. He hates to be picked up, for if a rabbit’s feet are off the ground, their brains tell them they are about to be eaten and they fight like hell. He’s just starting to relax and feel comfortable here. And that cute little furry nose never stops twitching.

They thump with their back foot when stressed or alarmed, just like in the movie, “Bambi.” He seems to be calming down and thumping less. Change is hard for rabbits, so, as when I set up a new pen that gave him more room, he needed time to feel comfortable in it.

I’m calling him Cadbury, for he looks just like a chocolate bunny. But I call him Digger too sometimes as boy howdy rabbits are diggers. And chewers. I’m about to go back to the thrift store for socks I can put on table legs, for they love gnawing on wood. Any wood.

I keep a pile of brown paper in his pen for digging. He loves it. Especially the brown paper packaging material Amazon is using these days.

He will be good company in the winter. The way he zips around doing “binkies” — little hops where he twists in the air like an ice skater — is adorable. It means he’s happy, I’m told.

So. Adapting. Cadbury to me, me to Cadbury. He’s easy to fall in love with. And can also be a pain. But that’s mostly on me, learning to care for a rabbit. It’s a learning curve. He has a big personality.

Caddie needs to feel safe and protected. That he can trust me, that I will be gentle with him. It’s taking time. And that’s OK.

Funny, as my kind grief counselor Kora pointed out — I need all those things too.

7″ x 10″ ink, watercolor, acrylic, pastel on paper = $95

 

 

 

watercolor of snowman by emily weil

daily painting | snowman

I wanted to experience the beauty of all four seasons here in the Rockies. I’m not disappointed. The golden leaves of the Aspen reflect gorgeous glowing colors on my ceiling. It rained last night and this morning a soft mist covers the lake. My borrowed kitty Binou, who is staying with me while her mom travels, is perched on the windowsill watching the magpies eat the peanuts I put out in the bird food tray. Starting to get chilly here.

This morning was a meditation exercise of releasing rage. I could feel the magnetic pull of the Rockies under me, extracting my pain and anger. Getting mad is part of grieving. Mad that loved ones are gone. Mad that people I love are hurting and I can’t fix it. Mad that the world is upside down.

So I bump along, emoting freely. I’m feeling all the emotions, which sometimes carry me out to sea and often saturate me with gratitude and joy. I’m alive and doing my best to be present and keep my heart open. Life is better that way.

[No, it’s not snowy here quite yet but I painted this snowman to use as a marketing image for a class I’ll teach here in December]

10″ x 7″ ink, watercolor, acrylic on paper = $95

 

 

 

watercolor of poinsettia by emily weil

daily painting | poinsettia

My darling downstairs neighbor Linda just called (the sweet woman who helped me bury Buster, my guinea pig a few weeks ago).

She said she looked out her window yesterday morning to find her car door wide open. She went out to investigate and discovered a bear had opened the door and then unlatched the front seat console (without damaging it), removing a package of Dum Dum lollipops which it then demolished. The front seat was covered with mud, and there was a telltale paw print the burglar left on the car door. A furry B&E, no question.

Linda and her husband have been coming here every summer and fall for 15+ years and they’ve never seen a bear. The electronic lock on her car sometimes unlocks itself, she says, without her knowing. A flaw in her Honda.

This is the season where bears eat everything in sight before hibernating. I’ve spoken to a number of people who have lived here for years and never seen one, though.

I’m going to clean out my car today and make sure there are no squished, forgotten granola bars hiding in the glove box and that the doors stay locked! It’s making me laugh, as when living in the Bay Area in CA we all kept our cars safely locked for different reasons. Hope bears around here don’t figure out how to steal catalytic converters and trade them for honey.

Yesterday I joined a team of RMNP rangers and other volunteers to help manage 100 sixth graders from local schools on a park field trip. In our group, they were learning about beavers, whose population in the park has dwindled, as the moose and elk eat their food (willows) and drive them out. The park has a program that is restoring a 300+ acre area, putting up fencing to keep out moose and elk, but with openings at the bottom of the fencing for smaller animals, and gates for humans who want to check it out. It’s working — willows are again thriving and two beavers have found their way back to the CO river (also inside the “exclosure”) and are building dams. Excellent news for the ecosystem.

Moose and elk have no natural predators in the park, except for mountain lions, as there are no wolf packs (at least not yet) to keep their populations in check. There were similar problems in Yellowstone years ago until wolves were reintroduced to the park.

It was an exhausting, stimulating day by the river with rangers and kids and volunteers. Warm September sun, migrating hawks hunting the meadows, lunching on peanut butter & jelly sandwiches while sitting on a log by the snowmelt-swollen river (typical fall weather here — a couple of cold nights, maybe with snow on high peaks, then warm days with melted snow filling up creeks and the CO river whose headwaters are in the park). A leaf-shaped butterfly landed on a park ranger’s hand as we ended the day’s programs.

OK better get going to the local spray-and-wash car cleaning place.

[This painting was created to market a holiday watercolor class I’m teaching at a local art school here in November and December]

10″ x 7″ ink, watercolor, acrylic on paper = $95

 

 

 

watercolor of dahlia by emily weil

daily painting | the rut

For about a month every year, starting now, the elk rut gathers steam here in the Rockies. Testosterone-crazed elk bulls seek females and mate. The males “bugle” to attract females. It’s an other-worldly, high-pitched call that echos through the valleys of Rocky Mt Nat Park. Later this afternoon as a park volunteer I will assist rangers who roam up and down the Kawuneeche Valley (“Valley of the Coyote”, named by the Arapaho nation, pron. “caw-wun-ee-chee”). We look for elk herds that may block traffic and assist the animals by stopping traffic temporarily and allowing them to cross the road. The skilled rangers also protect humans from themselves as many folks, wanting a good photo, put themselves in harm’s way, getting too close to the animals. As often as elk males display prowess and power and dominance, humans display abject stupidity. The park rangers do their best to prevent injury and harm to people who make careless decisions and underestimate the power of these magnificent, powerful, sex-crazed creatures.

Last night I went out on my balcony to listen for bugling. Yep — I could hear the male elk calling. It was magical and amazing, hearing nature play itself out. The calls were not close, but were clear.

Nature here in Colorado heals me. Whistling Yellow-bellied Marmots (who will hibernate in a few months), elk, deer and moose, chipmunks and ground squirrels, Osprey and Bald Eagles, Black-billed Magpies who collect peanuts I put outside in a dish, Robins, busy grasshoppers (so many of them right now). Snowshoe Hares that are now brown and turn white in winter — one was hopping around near my condo driveway the other morning. Aspen leaves turning golden and pink. Cooling nights. The gorgeous nearby lake with its friendly residents and perfect library. Rocky Mountain sounds and calls and beauty comfort me in my grief. These are powerful forces that surround me and I tell them thank you. It’s working. I am getting exactly what I’d hoped for when I made this crazy-ass move to this craggy, dramatic corner of the world.

[This painting was commissioned by a neighbor]