watercolor painting of santa barbara wharf by emily weil

daily painting | stearn’s wharf + rant

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I’m not sure how to do this; hoping that faking it works for now. 

I’m calling on the angels and gods and goddesses and Jesus and Great Spirit and medicine animals and any other spiritual entity I’ve ever heard of, asking for help.

I’m worried that in the face of my beloved brother’s last days due to cancer consuming his brain (gliosarcoma) I’m full of self-pity and I whine too much.

I’m worried that as I continue to grieve my two dead sisters I’m feeling sorry for myself.

I’m worried that I’m folding under the life challenges of my old, 2006 Prius that won’t run and my failing graphic design freelance business and my adult children suffering through mental illness and powerful addictions.

I’m worried I’ll always be alone.

I’m worried I’m an asshole, taking my frustrations out on other humans while becoming bitter.

So the only remedies I can come up with are to 1) Get out of bed in the morning and make my tea. 2) Do my day with as much presence as I can muster. 3) Respond to each curve ball as best I can and hope my bat holds up. 4) Nap. 5) Resist nothing. 6) Practice Radical Trust.

That’s it. Wish me luck. I’m sure my headlights are strong enough to get through at least the next few yards of this mother-effing dark and terrifying and isolated back road. 

I guess I sound pissed off. 

Boy howdy, yes I am.

[painting is from Santa Barbara watercolor workshop I attended last April]

7″ x 10″ ink, watercolor, acrylic on paper =$90

 

 

 

daily painting | lilies at lucy’s

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I just wanted to get out my tray of watercolors today and I didn’t care what I produced. I started working from a photo of lilies in my therapist Lucy’s front yard, and it wasn’t quite working so I made it an abstract. I disappeared into art. It was out of ragged desperation — I’m home today after a nutty few weeks that included a string of bonkers events — my bro is slowly showing more symptoms of the brain cancer advancing and mental illness and addictions are ravaging my family and my car is failing (with elusive causes) and I had an argument with the hospice social worker and … well, blah-blah-blah. I was frantic for relief today (while also grateful to have a chance to rest), jogging one step ahead of a melt-down-panic-attack tsunami, so today was weird. I pulled ice cream out of the freezer and melted chocolate to put on top. This alone was alarming — I never do that. I sat and did breathing exercises, fighting off going completely numb while staring into space. I briefly worried I’d lose my lunch. I paced the floor, wondering how close I am to a padded room in the psych ward (but I’d hate the drugs).

My most loving friends would remind me of all that is happening in my family and in my life and tell me my crazy feelings are only natural. But how can I make them go away? Not going to happen. So now as I type this while sitting on my couch with my laptop waiting for the senate hearings to begin I invite the grief, rage, pain, sadness and disbelief to sit beside me. It’s crowded, but this is today’s party at Emily’s house.

7″ x 10″ ink, watercolor, acrylic on paper

 

 

 

daily painting | cota street chimneys

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Here’s another watercolor sketch from my week in Santa Barbara a few months ago to attend a watercolor workshop. Gosh I’m glad for that wonderful trip there; how amazed and grateful I am that I got to do that, as I came home to the brother brain crisis very soon after. This apartment complex, called “Cota Street Studios”, was designed by an imaginative, coloring-outside-the-lines architect who created quirky chimneys and wonky corners and amusing architectural flourishes that made us all smile with delight. Finding such colorful scenes makes life a wonder, don’t you think?

Well I wasn’t so thrilled with the wonders of life yesterday, I tell ya. After spending $1400 to fix my 2006 Prius last week, heeding advice of knowledgeable mechanics who tell me it’s a great car and worth fixing, it broke again yesterday (same symptoms, ugh). That’s when my dear pal Claire and I, after putting in a day of painting blinds for GGRO in the Marin Headlands, found out that tow truck drivers call that area, “The Deadlands,” as drivers don’t like to go out there. But someone finally did show up to truck us to the car shop in Berkeley and now I will await my mechanic’s next diagnosis. Sigh. Wish me luck. I know in life the tide comes in and the tide goes out. And jeez this muck is getting sticky and stinky.

7″ x 8″ ink, watercolor on paper

 

 

 

watercolor and ink painting of old farm house by emily weil

daily painting | cota street studios

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Feels like eons ago now but in early April I got to join a watercolor workshop in Santa Barbara and it was such a blast. And the timing! A week or so after my return, the crisis of bro’s brain cancer crashed into my family. I could fully enjoy my week in Santa Barbara without worry, thanks to the generosity of my dear friend Sue who gifted me the workshop (and also because my kind neighbor Beth took good and loving care of my guinea piggy).

Anyways, we had a wonderful afternoon painting at Cota Street Studios near downtown — a marvelous and quirky apartment building designed by an architect who definitely colored outside the lines — chimneys atilt, iron balcony railings full of wondrous twists and turns, hidden little alcoves built into the stucco filled with delightful surprises. Here is a door of one of the apartments; the entrances to the residences (each apt worth millions) are accessed from a wonderful and lush courtyard. Very peaceful and beautiful and quirky and lively (and yes I misspelled Cota). Here’s a link: www.jeffsheltonarchitect.com/cota-street-studios

7″ x 5″ ink, watercolor on paper

 

 

 

watercolor painting of santa barbara courthouse by emily weil

daily painting | santa barbara courthouse

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Today is Good Friday. In the Christian tradition, it is the day Jesus was crucified, with Easter being the celebration of the miraculous resurrection. Though I no longer practice these beliefs, I am always heartened by the promising and hopeful message of new life emerging after death. Because I’m kinda tired of death. The daffodils and happy faces of the ice plant flowers blooming in my marina cheer me — every year they pop out, and they don’t care of news of war or pandemics or family strife. They just happily do what they do; I also so love the row of calla lilies blooming in Fort Cronkhite in the Marin Headlands. Here in Alameda we don’t have snowy winters, but still the blooms in Spring boost our hearts. 

And I am sad today not to be with family for Easter, but there are unresolved difficulties still keeping folks apart. Families! Always somethin’. But I believe in love and hope and resolutions and resurrections and reunions. I do a morning meditation every day, where I calm myself and ask Great Spirit to walk with me. Today I visualized my two sisters who have recently left this earth hugging me, happy we are together. Every day I am grateful they are no longer in pain. I think they watch over me, helping me find my way.

About this painting — done at the watercolor workshop in Santa Barbara last week. And hey, I just heard a blurb on the news that today is the 75th anniversary of Jackie Robinson breaking baseball’s color barrier which is amazing and wonderful — and his widow Rachel, now 99, continues to work to fight racism. Doesn’t that just make your heart light up? Happy Easter and Passover and Ramadan, everyone.

6″ x 9″ ink, watercolor on paper

 

 

 

watercolor painting of leaves by emily weil

daily painting | kevin’s leaves

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On the last day of the Santa Barbara watercolor workshop with Shari Blaukopf, it was a blistering hot day (95°+). I played hooky for the afternoon lesson (painting figures on the streets downtown) as I knew the heat would melt me. Instead I found the shadiest, coolest spot in the back yard of the house where I stayed and painted the gorgeous, large leaves of a big tree (which I forgot to identify). It was fun and relaxing and quiet and cool(ish) and afterward I dipped into the pool before heading to the group’s 2-1/2 hour, mind-fogging farewell dinner inside a restaurant with no A/C (but I really enjoyed my conversation with fellow artist, Anna). Now that I am home, I am just starting to sort through the many lessons and observations from this past week that are ping-ponging around my cranial cavity. 

I felt more joy during those six days in SB than I think I’ve felt in two years (heart-shattering grief does, in fact, subside, in time). And I am deeply grateful my artist pal Sue gave me this opportunity to take her place in the week-long class, and also for my astoundingly generous neighbor Beth who at the last minute was willing to again take care of my little guinea piggie (without her, the trip would have been a no-go). It’s kind of like, How can I begin to count the ways I am thankful? Many, many ways. I think the top-of-the-list insight I’m chewing on is that I now fully inhabit who I am as an artist. I’m my own me. I read in my meditation book last night that I need make no excuse for who I am and how I want to be in this world. Unrestrained girl power, baybee.

7″ x 10″ ink, watercolor on paper

 

 

 

watercolor painting of Santa Barbara Mission by Emily Weil

daily painting | the old mission

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Gosh I hardly know where to start! Taking a few minutes while baking in Santa Barbara heat today (93°+ which makes my brain, as well as my laptop, sluggy) to post a painting from a watercolor workshop which I am enjoying this week. A very dear friend generously gifted me this painting extravaganza here, as sadly she had to cancel as her mom became suddenly ill. Breaks my heart, but I’m grateful and learning much about many things — who I am as a painter and art teacher, how I want to organize workshops, what I have to offer students. An incredible opportunity. Did this painting on day one at the Old Mission, and I am accepting that my style is quite different from the very gifted teacher, Shari Blaukopf. Not a detail-oriented artist ovah heah. But I’m having a ball, and enjoying meeting new friends, including recent Academy Award winner Brian Connor and his delightful partner Mia. They are renting the master suite in this upscale hostel where I am renting a bedroom in Goleta and it’s the icing on the cake of this extraordinary six days — pool, hot tub, views of the ocean (big sprawling ranch house up in the hills), great kitchen, coyotes yipping at night along with frogs croaking and crickets singing. But back to Oscar! So Brian and Mia are exhausted from the LA/Hollywood hoopla and are taking it easy up here. Brian brought the Oscar out (AND his BAFTA), awards for Best Visual Effects for the movie, “Dune”. The coolest guy. So we hung out in the kitchen and took pictures and had some wine and had our own Oscar party (“we” also including the house-owner and another guest). So casual, so fun. Not to mention, Mia is a chef with her own restaurant in Montreal and cooks up amazing Thai dishes which they generously share. Obviously I’m a bit star struck and goggle-eyed about this excitement, so thanks for letting me name-drop. 

I’ll be posting more paintings in the coming days, as we hung out at the historic mission, the old courthouse, a fun and quirky architectural apartment complex, the wharf and other spots. I think I’ll find a nice shady spot under the pomegranate tree out here in the yard and do a small painting right now, in fact. Or maybe I’ll just jump in the pool.

7″ x 10″ ink, watercolor on paper